Valbrook Town Map. Descriptions below


Valbrook is one of two major towns in Butte County, which was established
shortly after the Civil War. The story goes that Malachi Wolfe and his
partner, Ulysses Butte, stole a load of Confederate gold and fled to a
remote location in the South. The two planned a great community, but
their relationship quickly soured. They walked 15 miles from each other
and erected their cities in opposition. Valbrook lost the contest for
being the county seat, which influenced the name of the county—just one
of many points in the continuing conflict of the two families.

*: Butte County Courthouse

    Talk about the oldest building in Valbrook--this used to be one o' them old Spanish missions back before the war. You know it used to be a fake stop on the Underground Railroad? They had a little iron prison installed at the top to keep slaves from runnin' away. Now it's the perfect office for super-strong vice-mayor Spanky, since he can't destroy it!
    Incidentally, this is the one place you'll never find Mayor Dean--he's plum too busy to sit around doin' his job all day!

1: O'Beerly's Sports Bar


    Shoot, I remember this place back when it was just a keg of Honorable Mention on the back of Miles' truck! Some times he'd even fill that barrel with some of his homemade hooch--that stuff was so good you'd go blind!
    Anyhow, he sold his recipe to the Wolfes an' bought him a real bar. Place is still good and shabby, too--I think that bathrooms are still missin' parts of the floor! And running water. Still, it's the only place in town to grab a late-night burger, an' that's good enough for the drunks in town!

2: Y'all-Mart Superstore


    I used to go to Dollar Ducks' every day when I was a runt. I'd get me a penny from my ma and fill up on candy and marbles. Well, now I can save them pennies, 'cuz Ian Wolfe done bought out Dollar Ducks' an' turned it into Y'all Mart!
    I ain't gotta worry about overpaid stockboys and cashiers 'cuz I know Ian runs it lean. And they got everything! Groceries, guns, drugs, electronics, movies--you name it, it's there!
    Best of all? I only gotta make one stop! No more trips to Friendly's Furnishings, Oodles o' Poodles', Beasley's Turnips, Kool Komics, Video Rewind or any spot in Mammie's Colonial Strip Mall!
    Shoot, if Y'all Mart got any more convenient, it'd be the only place open any more!

3: Weeners!


A few years ago, Ian Wolfe bought the ailing Taco Shack from Mammie to try and make it profitable again. First thing he did was fire the all-female staff, replace them with his most trusted men, and rename it Weeners! It's been a huge hit ever since. Those monthly weiner-eating contests really bring in them hungry boys!

4: Badger Hole Stadium

 

    I know, I know. It's a weird name. After all, if they Wolfes donate a building or a park, they usually name it after theyselves. I guess it was just one of them rare moments when Malachi was feelin' extra-extra-generous.
    Incidentally, this thing only ever gets used when the Badgers play the Butte County Trojans. But they do practice all the time! Shoot, them boys is always playin' with themselves down at the Badger Hole!

5: Charismatic Church of the Snake

    It's a little bit weird--I know I remember there being other churches in Valbrook, I just can't recall their names...oh well, I figure it ain't too important, since The Revelations of the Snake Charismatic Church is the only one that matters anyway!
    I understand your dismay, brothers and sisters--how can a church literally built over a snake pit be anything other than deceitful? I'd answer your question with another question--who do we learn the most from in the Bible?
    That's right--the snake who exposed our sins and material worth!
    Pastor Aurum teaches us that the only way to reach heaven is to divest ourselves of gold and sin, throwing them into the pit to become a worthy sacrifice to the one true Serpentus Jehovah, that wonderful Snakey Jesus!
    Can I get a hallelujah and a half? Amen!
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